Squid
by Seer of Spots
Summary: oneshot After a rather nasty blow, dealt by Lily, James contemplates whether it's really him that he should be getting her to fall in love with. In other words, James thinks about Squid.


Squid.

o:o:o

Summary: James spends some time contemplating Lily's comments with some… interesting results. Runs straight on from 'Snape's Worst Memory'.

Rating: PG

Genre: Parody –come on! James is comparing himself to the giant squid! –and humour –same reason.

Disclaimer: Yeah… well… J.K is queen. Chair.

A/N: Funnier than it sounds. I hope. I'm keeping it nice and short. Cause, maybe, this way, Claire will read it!

o:o:o

"What is it with her?" James asked, staring at the back of Lily Evans as she stalked away.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate."

"Right," he said. "right –" he looked angrily around for a moment, before smiling a bright, happy, fake grin, flicking his wand at Snape, resulting to his ascent to the air again. James then turned to speak to his audience. "So, who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

A few people clapped; everyone else cheered.

"Oh, clear off, the lot of you!" He shouted good-naturedly, laughing. "You're all really sick! Ugh, Snivelly pantless…" He shuddered and dropped Snape back to the ground. Sirius and Peter laughed long and hard before calming. The crowd laughed and cleared away. Snape slinked off before anyone else picked up on how much fun it was to torment him.

James stared at the castle for a second before looking back at his friends; Sirius was already settling back down next to Remus and Peter looked torn between standing by James and listening in to Sirius' conversation with the pale skinned boy. "Hm," James said, picking up his bag and papers from the ground. "I'll she –_see_, I meant _see_ –you lot around, right? I just want to go do some things before the Transfiguration exam…" he trailed off and his friends nodded. Peter relaxed and tuned into what Sirius was saying. Whining. Whatever.

"We don't need to revise, Moony…" James walked slowly away as Sirius attempted to wrestle the book out of his companion's hands.

"Oi! Give over, Padfoot! Lay off!" James chuckled as the yells and calls followed him all the way back up the lawns and into the school. When he was finally out of earshot, he was left alone with his thoughts, and Lily's words came flooding back.

"_I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid…_"

'_Hmph._' James mentally humphed. '_What does that squid have that I haven't got?_'

And so it began.

James trudged up to Gryffindor tower muttering the password to the Fat Lady as he arrived.

"Squideon."

"Quite," the lady offered, swinging forward in her frame.

"Even the _password_ has 'squid' in it! What _does_ that squid have that _I_ haven't?"

"Yes, dear," the lady consoled, smiling at him kindly before she was pulled close to face the corridor once more.

James walked up the stairs to his dormitory, throwing his bag down on his bed. _A fifteen–year–old shouldn't have these sorts of problems… I should be floating along in my happy teen-angst induced coma –oh, yeah… teen-angst. Oops._ James thought grumpily. Then a bright idea turned itself on in his head, a happy yellow lightbulb ready to solve all of his problems.

"That's it!" he shrieked, digging around in his bag for a spare sheet of parchment and a quill. Finding what he was looking for, James flopped down on his bed, next to his bag. He began to draw uh a chart of some sort.

"Squid… James… minus… bad… good…left…plus…right…" he mumbled out loud incoherently. After about ten minutes, James had a box drawn up. There was a title drawn up: _Comparisons: Squid and James. Which is better? _

It had a line down the middle, effectively breaking it into two columns. On the left, he had written: _James Plus- good comparisons_, on the right, however, he had neatly printed: _Squid Minus- bad comparisons._ He stared at his work for a moment before swearing loudly. He always had to make himself look really good, didn't he? He began again.

A while later, a table of the same description was drawn up except the headings were much better. The left column now read: _Squid Good Stuff in Lily's Opinion_. It was simple enough for James' fifteen–year–old male brain to understand. The top of the right column had the following heading: _James Good Stuff in Lily's Opinion._

James stared proudly at his chart for a few moments, before remembering that he had to write something underneath the titles. _Hmm_… he pondered, his quill hovering over the right column. He put his pen to the paper and was about to write _Quidditch_, when he remembered that it was supposed to be in Lily's opinion, not his own. Other examples such as _good looking, suave, sexy, charming, Marauder_ and _joker_ all went the same way. He screamed into his pillow, frustrated.

"WHY CAN'T SHE BE LIKE A NORMAL GIRL?" He shouted, before remembering he was talking to himself. _Hm,_ he thought_, must be going mad._

_Quite right, old chap,_ a voice in the deep recesses of him mind replied. _Wondered when you'd catch on!_

_Oh, shut it, Albert,_ James told his imaginary friend, the one haunting his mind.

_Right-o! Carry on then, old boy!_

_Mhm._

"Maybe I should start with the squid…" James mused aloud. His quill immediately began scratching away.

_No Quidditch._ The squid didn't play Quidditch. Lily would like that.

_No magic. _Couldn't jinx or hex her. Couldn't charm her hair or robes to change colours in the sunlight. Couldn't spike her pumpkin juice with a love potion brewed badly.

_No feeding_. James ate like a pig, whereas the squid didn't even come up to the castle to feed. That'd be a big red tick on Lily's list.

_Cool colour. _Well… James doubted whether this would truly be an attribute Lily was interested in, but it was true nonetheless. James added good looking to his column to compensate, then crossed it out, remembering how he made her sick when he-

_Doesn't make her sick._ James added hurriedly. It would make for an awful date if she spent the whole time barfing. It would also make for an awful amount of cleaning.

_Lives in water._ Good for two reasons. The Giant Squid would always be clean- no after Quidditch sweaty smells- and it meant that the squid wouldn't always be bugging her. James, on the other hand, lived only a staircase away and they constantly ran into each other on the grounds, in the common room, in the corridors, Great Hall, classrooms- okay, the point is made.

_No birthday_. As far as James was informed, the Giant Squid had no official birthday, which would make it easier for Lily. She wouldn't have to remember nitty-gritty details like the squid's birthday, and therefore would be free to concentrate on the more important things to her- like schoolwork and prefect duty.

_Can't talk._ That would be a huge plus for the redhead. She reckoned James talked too much. About himself, mainly, but James figured it was actually just the sound of his voice that aggravated her.

_No choice but to listen. _If Lily had problems, gossip or the finer details of what happened after she walked from Transfiguration to the Great Hall for lunch, the squid would have no choice but to listen. He wouldn't even be able to defend himself with words to get her to shut her trap. James added to his rather pitiful column- _can listen to Lily and talk through her… whatever. Problems, assignments, gossip, Transfiguration Corridor strolls._

_Has history of helping people out of lake._ Usually after James or Sirius pushed them in.

_Tentacles._ Once again, James found himself pondering over the relevance of this statement, but left it in because he thought that the tentacles were undoubtedly a positive thing.

James stared at the list, reading the one statement on his side, compared to the eleven or so in the Giant Squid's favour. Looking forlornly at the piece of paper, James didn't even notice Sirius bound into the room.

"Oi! James! You're gonna be late for the Transfiguration exam! It starts in a little under ten –come on!"

James started, then quickly shoved his things into his bag, not noticing the slip of paper slide of the quilt cover. Sirius, however, took this into account, and slid the curious slip of paper subtly into his bag for some after exam reading.

"Come on, slow coach –I'm not waiting any more!" and he didn't. Sirius ran out of the room and down the stairs, leaving James to gallop after him.

o:o:o

The exam ran smoothly, Professor Slughorn jovially greeting everyone as they arrived and as they left.

"I'll see you later, okay? Just some stuff I've got to do," Sirius said, running off before the others had a chance to question what he was doing. They stood in the exam hall and watched his back disappear around the corner, before turning and walking slowly up to Gryffindor Tower, shaking their heads and pondering about what Sirius could be doing.

o:o:o

Meanwhile, Sirius had galloped up to the Room of Requirement. He wanted a room for comfortable reading, and for it to be invisible on any maps or tracking devices, so the Marauders couldn't seek him out. After walking past the wall three times quickly, a door appeared and he wrenched it open, sitting down on a comfortable armchair and pulling out the piece of James' parchment and opening it to read.

After about five silent minutes, Sirius burst out laughing.

"The squid!" he shouted, laughing hard. _James is never going to live this down_, Sirius thought as he stole out of the room, in search of James.

o:o:o

James, however, had broken off from Remus and Peter, who changed their minds and both headed back out to the lake for a last lie-about in the sun. James headed up to the Tower, still suffering from his little "squid-complex". It just so conveniently happened that Lily happened to be heading down from the Tower at the same time, and they managed to predictably bump into each other in the corridor.

"Hello, Evans," James said cockily, running his hand through his hair.

"Whatever, Potter. Has your huge ego already squashed any memory of earlier this afternoon?" She asked, sarcastically.

"No, not at all. I've been thinking about that a lot, actually."

"Really!" Lily looked genuinely surprised, but then clasped her hands together and began to make a sort of worshiping motion to the sky. "Praise God! James Potter has been thinking!" she mocked.

"Mm. A lot. Excuse me, I'd like to go up to the Tower, please," James said. He walked around her dumb-struck form.

_Whoa… something about that exchange was very off… not one self satisfactory comment, no snide remarks about Snape…interesting… _Lily mused. She started back down the corridor but was suddenly pushed harshly out of the way by a hysterically laughing Sirius.

"Sirius! Two points from Gryffindor! You _don't run in corridors_!" But se was ignored as the boy just launched himself through the portrait hole, saying the password just in time for the picture to swing forwards.

Curious, Lily followed behind him. He was leaping up the stairs, and a piece of parchment fluttered down behind him.

"_Squid Good Stuff in Lily's Opinion_… What the –?" her eyes flicked rapidly over the paper, a red flush creeping up her neck. _He actually compared himself to the squid_? She muffled her giggles and hurried up the staircase to the boys' dormitories. She saw Sirius slip into his dorm, still barking with laughter. He shut the door with a bang.

Lily crept over to the door and knelt down, looking through the keyhole.

"Hey, Padfoot!" James said grinning lazily. "What's so funny?" Sirius managed to compose himself for a second, but he looked at James and burst out laughing again. James shot him a confused look. "Okay…" He took a swig from a butterbeer bottle on his bedside table.

_Where'd he get that?_ Lily thought to herself. _He'll be getting a detention if ever I find out_, she vowed. Eventually, Sirius calmed down.

"So… what was funny?"

"You, mate. I saw your list."

"What list?" James asked, not catching on.

"This – oh damn! I must have dropped it!" Sirius frantically searched his person for the wayward paper and sat on his bed to think of where he could have left it.

"Uh huh…" James said after a few minutes silence. "Say, Sirius…" he waited until his friend was looking at him. "Would you agree to do some Transfiguration for me?"

"Uh, Prongs, is this another way to get compliments? You know that _you're_ the best at Transfiguration in our grade, right?" Sirius gave him an odd look. "But what would you want done?"

"Maybe some tentacles… they're cool…" James murmured. Sirius and Lily, both of whom had read James' list burst out in a fresh spurt of laughter.

James and Sirius both heard the second voice laughing. A rather feminine voice.

Lily was leaning up against the door for support as she laughed and came tumbling into the room when they opened the door.

"You… moron!" she managed to gasp out, "Tentacles!" she giggled, before lapsing into silent laughter. She gripped herself around her waist in a feeble attempt to numb the pain that came from her laughing, and in doing so let go of a piece of parchment that fluttered to the floor.

_Squid Good Stuff in Lily's Opinion _and _James Good Stuff in Lily's Opinion_ faced up for the world to see as James' best friend and love interest dissolved into snickers at his expense.

"Tentacles!" Lily shouted again.

o:o:o

o:o:o

I know… the ending was abrupt, but I can't think of another way to end it. It may be edited later.

So… wha'd ya thunked about it?


End file.
